SEXY_CRUISER CAN HELP, LADIES!

By: SEXY_CRUISER

Everyone has heard at least one horror story. Someone got burned, someone got electrocuted, someone got killed; those stories have been around forever.
For those who have common sense, this little safety lecture is just a review of what you already know. But for the rest of you, whether your ignorance comes from simply being new to the scene or because you just simply didn’t think of it, I suggest that you bookmark this one for future reference.
This may well be fodder for future installments of specific activities, so be patient.

KNOW YOUR PARTNER’S LIMITS
I’m addressing this to both Dom/me and sub. EVERYONE has limits, and you should well know them.

USE YOUR BRAIN!
Yes, I know that this is all for fun, but using your head a bit will prevent problems later. “An ounce of prevention is worth an ounce of cure” is a very relevant statement here. Think about the scene before you play it, and take necessary measures to ensure safety for all participants.

HAVE THE RIGHT EQUIPMENT
Time and again, accidents happen because someone was using the wrong tool(s) for the job. Folks, I realize fishing line is superbly strong, but do NOT suspend anyone with it. If you need to ask why, then it is probably best that you not bother with this lifestyle and instead head over to your local Bass Pro.

LISTEN
Tops, this one is mostly for You. Have both a verbal and non-verbal means of communicating a safe word. Many subs love to moan and cry and whimper and scream during play, but your safe word(s) should be completely unique or something everyone around you knows, such as RED.
In the event that your lovely is all tied up and gagged, make sure he or she can indicate non-verbally a safe word. For example, I have two ways of allowing a non-verbal red: If the boy has nothing in his hands, or if his hands are bound, he is to “tap out” by either slapping the furniture twice for yellow and thrice for red, or I have a cowbell which he is to drop for a red.
ALWAYS be able to hear your sub, even if it means not playing somewhere that’s too loud due to conversation or music or both.

PAY ATTENTION
This is along the same lines as listening, however, this includes knowing your surroundings. Know where you are, where doors are, who is present and where they are. Pay attention to what you’re doing as well as to what others are doing. You can control your actions; you can’t control everyone else’s.

DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME
This should be a no-brainer, but it bears repeating. Homestyle BDSM is great fun, but if you’re trying something new, then do it with someone else around. This will help you to not only focus more on the activity but to learn from the other person if that person is experienced in what you’re doing.
Having an extra, (or two), allows for you to not have to focus on many outside distractions, as the extra(s) will be watching for you. Don’t ever discount a good extra.

EVERY top should have a good knowledge of basic first aid treatment. It’s also a good idea to be certified in CPR. Accidents do happen, and if you’re not able to deal with them, accidents can escalate swiftly into emergencies.

KEEP A PHONE NEARBY
Keep it in arm’s reach while you play in case you need to call for help. If the submissive is to be left alone, (usually not a good idea in the first place), then he or she needs to be able to reach the phone if necessary.

KEEP A FIRST AID KIT HANDY
Make sure it’s completely stocked and in the same room, (in arm’s reach for extreme play sessions such as blades or needles). Make sure this kit also contains Pedialyte or Gatorade, Pedialyte preferred as the electrolytes absorb more quickly.

In the Lifestyle of BDSM, there is one thing that remains consistant: The Rule of Three (Safe, Sane, and Consensual). It is the guideline by which all things are done, from meeting, to negotiation, to play and quite often to a relationship itself. When things are Safe, Sane, and Consensual, the margin for error is drastically reduced, and all participants feel more at ease.

As an example, I can use alcohol and drug use to show how this rule can affect us. If a person is under the influence of alcohol or drugs, (which, incidentally, alcohol IS A DRUG), would you ever consider playing/sceneing with that person? Think about it: Alcohol is a depressant. If a scene got intense and that person under the influence was either unable or unwilling to respond to a need, how safe or sane is that?

Drugs are also a bad idea, for the same reason. If a person were high, stoned or cranked, I know that I am sure as hell you wouldn’t want to scene with him! That’s downright crazy! Sceneing with a person under the influence is often thought of as a cry for help amongst BDSM-knowledgeable suicide preventions workers!

Slaves and subs, when they scene with a Dom/me, are literally putting their lives in the Dominant’s hands. A trustworthy, caring Dominant can take the slave/sub into the farthest reaches of the galaxy of subspace, and quite often s/he is delighted to do so. A Dom/me that is doped-up or drunk can literally kill or severely injure the playmate. One wrong move during ass-play or bondage scenes, and it’s all over.

On the other side of that equation, a slave/sub must also be clear headed going into things, so that, if necessary, the slave can use a given safeword at any time. Drunk or toked subs/slaves seem to have excessive difficulty with this, and so are more apt to get themselves hurt or killed.

Simply put, if you or your potential partner has indulged in some drinks or a few drugs, (yes, pot counts!), do NOT scene! It’s a deadly combination, something that no one will call Safe, Sane, or Consensual. It’s NOT Safe, it’s NOT Sane, and under the influence, often people tend to forget what happened the night/day before, so even if drunken/stoned consent is given, it’s still NOT Consensual!

Keep this in mind next time you go to play. Make sure alcohol is not an option in your negotiations and play, and please keep it Safe, Sane, and Consensual.

Keep it fun. Keep it REAL.

BDSM, in literal terms, is an acronym which usually stands for something along the lines of, “Bondage, Domination,
   Sado-Masochism.”
I’ve heard a few differences, but this seems to be the most readily accepted.

But for the millions of people who love the darker side of life, BDSM is a lifestyle. Just like any other lifestyle, it is a niche where we have found comfort and enjoyment just being ourselves.

Does this mean that we’re all a bunch of perverts?
Well yes, it does.
But consider this: we’re all perverts, whether or not we’re into BDSM.

 You’re a pervert, I’m a pervert, we’re all perverts.
 How can that be?

Well, what’s your definition of pervert? It’s probably different from Mine, just as Mine is going to be at least a little bit different than someone else’s. Since no one has the same definition, we’re all perverts.
BDSM isn’t just a sexual thing, though many times our sex lives are greatly enhanced by our lifestyle. BDSM, when seen as a lifestyle, isn’t just about bumping uglies. It’s about living the way we want to live, despite the rigors of society’s acceptance or disapproval. It’s about being who we are, just like any other culture or lifestyle.

Some people are natural submissives, feeling happy and free when bound by the whim and will of a naturally Dominant person. That’s their comfort zone; that’s their particular lifestyle.

Some of Us are naturally Dominant and enjoy “owning” and training submissives. Still others aren’t really submissive or dominant, but like to play on both sides. And yet others don’t really care one way or another, but have their own delightful fetishes that get their gears turning.

It’s all about being what you want to be. It’s turning your fantasy into your reality by giving up the fear of society’s disapproval. It’s about being you, no matter how kinky or freaky you really are inside.

Now, what’s the difference between a Dominant and a top?  They are not mutually exclusive, however they are terms that are seen as describing the same thing, (most often, erroneously).

A top hearkens to someone who likes to give pain or pleasure in BDSM scene play. 
Most Dominants are indeed tops, however not all tops are Dominants.  Confused yet?  Try this:  a Dominant is Someone who is naturally in control and who enjoys being such.  He or She takes control not only of a situation but most often controls a submissive as well. 

A submissive gets great pleasure from serving and being controlled.  He or she may be a bottom, (one who enjoys being topped), which may mean that he or she is a masochist, (one who enjoys receiving pain).

Entry for January 30, 2006

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Sexual incompatibility within a long-termed relationship can be a serious source of unhappiness. It’s no secret that sexual problems have brought down many an otherwise reasonably solid relationship. Things can be especially difficult for the submissive or fetishist who doesn’t understand his or her need for kink until later on in life, sometimes years into a marriage. Because alternative sexuality is so taboo in our society, many people feel all alone with their fetishes and fantasies. By the time they learn that there were other people like them in the world of BDSM, they may have built their life around a vanilla relationship.

At this point, a person has 3 options: ignore the issue and continue a life of frustration, break up their relationship to find another, or find some way their current life could accommodate their sexual needs. In this last option the fledgling kinkster can either convert his or her partner, or find satisfaction outside the primary relationship, either in secret or with full consent of the significant other.

I have some idea what the politically-correct advice would be. Share your sexuality with your partner, make your vanilla relationship more satisfying. And I would venture a guess that the politically correct advice might also be that you shouldn’t be quite as kinky as you are, or that you should relegate the more serious stuff to fantasy. There’s kind of a double-standard when it comes to these things. If “normal” sexual desires are not met in a relationship it tends to be seen as a valid problem. But if alternative desires are not lived out, the burden is put on the kinkier partner to accept the situation.

I am going to go out on a limb here and give you the non-politically correct advice, because frankly, I don’t think that the politically correct advice is working. We have an enormous, international, BDSM/Fetish industry based on satisfying kinks that people are not getting at home. The need for kink does not seem to be taken seriously by society at large outside of the adult industry. At best, it’s treated like a laughable sexual quirk, when really, it’s more of a sexual orientation. Sex workers do not have the luxury of political correctness. We must see the world as it is, and not as how it “should” be. And since you are here, in this world, I’ll give you my down-and-dirty take on the situation.

I have two opinions to offer, and you may not like either of them. (For simplicity, I’ve used the male pronoun to describe the kinkster and the female pronoun to describe the vanilla partner, since My main audience is kinky heterosexual females, but we all know that kink does not discriminate, and every possible combination of pronouns could be used in these cases.)

1.Kinkifying your partner takes serious, sincere effort:

In attempting to convert your SO to BDSM: don’t whine, don’t coerce, don’t complain…. seduce.

Even though you might be very frustrated by your situation, try not to put things in a way that will make your partner feel hurt or rejected. I can’t imagine it will help things if she feels inadequate for not turning you on enough. Personally, I don’t suggest you bring up the issue in your therapist’s office. Not at first anyway. I think that might be step 5 or 6, not step 1.

Instead, do the “spice up our sex life” thing, and start sharing fantasies. The key here is that you should focus on genuinely spicing things up for both of you… it’s not going to work unless you actually want to find new ways to turn her on too. I don’t mean that you should perfunctorily live out a few of her desires only because you’re impatiently waiting with a hidden agenda to transform your SO into a dream Domme out of your favorite porn site. No, no, no. Pressure is anti-seductive. You should entice her with real pleasure, prolonged attention, patience, encouragement, and understanding. She needs to have a reason to want to do new things. It needs to become irresistible. That’s much better than making it into a problem she needs to solve. Start where she is, and slowly incorporate more as her comfort level grows.

Open communication about your issues and frustration also has its place in the right context. But I think it might take a little more than emotional processing to get your wife to, say… pee on you. Or to bitch-slap you and drag you around the house by your hair. Or to dress you up in her best lingerie, the stuff you put on when she’s not home. Just for example. And if you want to be locked in chastity, only to be allowed out of your device once a month for a ritualistic “milking” routine that ends in you drinking your own juices… well, the advice given by the average marital crisis self-help book isn’t really going to apply.

Certain types of kink are easier than others to introduce to a partner. Foot fetish, if it only entails foot worship, is one of the easier ones. A fetishist could simply ask his SO if he can give her a foot massage. Learn to give a really good one. If it were presented the right way, many women could appreciate some attention given to their feet. Move on to foot kissing, etc, but don’t indulge in excessive slobbering. Think of her enjoyment. Perhaps she’ll let you paint her toenails and you can do a weekly ritual of toenail painting.

Being Dominant can be a lot of work, but it’s also a pleasure, ladies. Practice your sincerest submission by putting him first, and showing him the pleasure of being served and treated like a king. Do it in a self-respecting way. Take care that your submission is not mistaken for low self-esteem, which is unattractive. Let him know how hot you think he is when he’s in control. You’ll be making space for a new side of himself. Don’t have expectations about what he unique dominance will be like. Cultivate a genuine curiosity about his. Nurture her Dom-side with patience, encouragement, and forms of submission that interest him.

Now, that being said, on to part 2: The above may well not be enough.

I do think that most people have a little kink in them that can be expanded if given the right opportunity, maybe even quite a lot. But I have to say, and I think most other kinksters will agree, the odds are against you totally kinkifyng your partner. As I said, it’s my opinion that being kinky is a sexual orientation, like being gay, ladies. Being kinky in a vanilla relationship is like being gay in a straight relationship. Being mostly kinky in a mostly vanilla relationship is like being a mostly-gay bisexual in a straight relationship.

That is the situation many submissives, fetishists, etc. face. Especially if they have a very taboo kink that needs satisfying. You might be able to induce a little sub/Domme dynamic into a vanilla relationship, or indulge a fairly mainstream fetish, like foot fetish. But if your needs are less moderate, ladies, I think your chances of getting a partner not only to indulge you, but to enjoy the play himself, are pretty slim.

I’m sure conversion has been done and can be done in some cases, but I think it’s important to be realistic about things. I hesitate to say all this, because I don’t want to discourage anyone from trying to convert a partner to kink. I have just seen the unhappiness it causes when people don’t prioritize erotic satisfaction as a goal in life, and take a practical approach to finding what they need. Every once in awhile I hear about a fully kinkified partner, and I’ve certainly brought out more than a few latent tendencies in mine myself.

More often what I see is people not being very realistic with themselves about how strong their fetishes are and how important it really is that those needs be satisfied. I don’t want submissives and fetishists to be full of guilt, confliction, secrets, and inner turmoil. I don’t like to see the cycles of self-denial followed by erotic binges on porn and pay-day visits to any Dominatrix available with only an hour notice.

Especially if you are in the dating phase of a relationship, don’t be naive about the chances of most women you meet satisfying your obscure desires. If you are, like Me, very, very kinky, you are going to have to face the following reality: the desires are not going to go away. You are probably going to be longing for those things for the rest of your life. You can decide not to act on your needs, and keep the kink in your private fantasy life, or you can make a point of living out your desires.

What ever you decide, I hope you make a conscious decision about what you’re going to do about being kinky. It’s better to decide what to do than to put off the issue until the next time you have some kind of outburst, followed by guilt and confusion. I want My fellow perverts to enjoy their erotic lives. I don’t want us to be like the fag walking around with a limp wrist, renting Barbara Streisand movies every Friday, replaying “YMCA” in his queeny little mind, all the while insisting “I am NOT gay. Shut up, shut up, shut up!” It’s enough to make Me want to say “Sister, snap out of it. It’s not that bad. Get up off the couch, turn off the Judy Garland special, and get thyself to the dance club. Your public awaits you!”

What’s the Kinky equivalent of stepping out? Let Me make a list of a few options:

Get involved with the BDSM scene:
Clubs
Play parties
Munches
Support Groups
Volunteer Opportunities
Workshops
Erotic writing groups

Not a joiner? (Me neither)
Internet chat rooms/forums
Kinky personal ads
Phone/email play
Ongoing distance Domination
Kinky publications
Erotic stories
Porn
Kinky Blogs
Fetish performances
And of course, professional Domination.

You can find info on all of these things on the net, most of the above are linked from this blog. I do work with couples in session, and if you would like to talk these things over with your local friendly-evil Dominatrix, you can always consult me, ladies, via My IM on MSN or Yahoo. I help people with these things over Instant Messager  all the time.

Monday January 30, 2006 - 10:58pm (PST)
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