SEXY_CRUISER CAN HELP, LADIES!

By: SEXY_CRUISER

Everyone has heard at least one horror story. Someone got burned, someone got electrocuted, someone got killed; those stories have been around forever.
For those who have common sense, this little safety lecture is just a review of what you already know. But for the rest of you, whether your ignorance comes from simply being new to the scene or because you just simply didn’t think of it, I suggest that you bookmark this one for future reference.
This may well be fodder for future installments of specific activities, so be patient.

KNOW YOUR PARTNER’S LIMITS
I’m addressing this to both Dom/me and sub. EVERYONE has limits, and you should well know them.

USE YOUR BRAIN!
Yes, I know that this is all for fun, but using your head a bit will prevent problems later. “An ounce of prevention is worth an ounce of cure” is a very relevant statement here. Think about the scene before you play it, and take necessary measures to ensure safety for all participants.

HAVE THE RIGHT EQUIPMENT
Time and again, accidents happen because someone was using the wrong tool(s) for the job. Folks, I realize fishing line is superbly strong, but do NOT suspend anyone with it. If you need to ask why, then it is probably best that you not bother with this lifestyle and instead head over to your local Bass Pro.

LISTEN
Tops, this one is mostly for You. Have both a verbal and non-verbal means of communicating a safe word. Many subs love to moan and cry and whimper and scream during play, but your safe word(s) should be completely unique or something everyone around you knows, such as RED.
In the event that your lovely is all tied up and gagged, make sure he or she can indicate non-verbally a safe word. For example, I have two ways of allowing a non-verbal red: If the boy has nothing in his hands, or if his hands are bound, he is to “tap out” by either slapping the furniture twice for yellow and thrice for red, or I have a cowbell which he is to drop for a red.
ALWAYS be able to hear your sub, even if it means not playing somewhere that’s too loud due to conversation or music or both.

PAY ATTENTION
This is along the same lines as listening, however, this includes knowing your surroundings. Know where you are, where doors are, who is present and where they are. Pay attention to what you’re doing as well as to what others are doing. You can control your actions; you can’t control everyone else’s.

DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME
This should be a no-brainer, but it bears repeating. Homestyle BDSM is great fun, but if you’re trying something new, then do it with someone else around. This will help you to not only focus more on the activity but to learn from the other person if that person is experienced in what you’re doing.
Having an extra, (or two), allows for you to not have to focus on many outside distractions, as the extra(s) will be watching for you. Don’t ever discount a good extra.

EVERY top should have a good knowledge of basic first aid treatment. It’s also a good idea to be certified in CPR. Accidents do happen, and if you’re not able to deal with them, accidents can escalate swiftly into emergencies.

KEEP A PHONE NEARBY
Keep it in arm’s reach while you play in case you need to call for help. If the submissive is to be left alone, (usually not a good idea in the first place), then he or she needs to be able to reach the phone if necessary.

KEEP A FIRST AID KIT HANDY
Make sure it’s completely stocked and in the same room, (in arm’s reach for extreme play sessions such as blades or needles). Make sure this kit also contains Pedialyte or Gatorade, Pedialyte preferred as the electrolytes absorb more quickly.

In the Lifestyle of BDSM, there is one thing that remains consistant: The Rule of Three (Safe, Sane, and Consensual). It is the guideline by which all things are done, from meeting, to negotiation, to play and quite often to a relationship itself. When things are Safe, Sane, and Consensual, the margin for error is drastically reduced, and all participants feel more at ease.

As an example, I can use alcohol and drug use to show how this rule can affect us. If a person is under the influence of alcohol or drugs, (which, incidentally, alcohol IS A DRUG), would you ever consider playing/sceneing with that person? Think about it: Alcohol is a depressant. If a scene got intense and that person under the influence was either unable or unwilling to respond to a need, how safe or sane is that?

Drugs are also a bad idea, for the same reason. If a person were high, stoned or cranked, I know that I am sure as hell you wouldn’t want to scene with him! That’s downright crazy! Sceneing with a person under the influence is often thought of as a cry for help amongst BDSM-knowledgeable suicide preventions workers!

Slaves and subs, when they scene with a Dom/me, are literally putting their lives in the Dominant’s hands. A trustworthy, caring Dominant can take the slave/sub into the farthest reaches of the galaxy of subspace, and quite often s/he is delighted to do so. A Dom/me that is doped-up or drunk can literally kill or severely injure the playmate. One wrong move during ass-play or bondage scenes, and it’s all over.

On the other side of that equation, a slave/sub must also be clear headed going into things, so that, if necessary, the slave can use a given safeword at any time. Drunk or toked subs/slaves seem to have excessive difficulty with this, and so are more apt to get themselves hurt or killed.

Simply put, if you or your potential partner has indulged in some drinks or a few drugs, (yes, pot counts!), do NOT scene! It’s a deadly combination, something that no one will call Safe, Sane, or Consensual. It’s NOT Safe, it’s NOT Sane, and under the influence, often people tend to forget what happened the night/day before, so even if drunken/stoned consent is given, it’s still NOT Consensual!

Keep this in mind next time you go to play. Make sure alcohol is not an option in your negotiations and play, and please keep it Safe, Sane, and Consensual.

Keep it fun. Keep it REAL.

Anal Intercourse and Analingus

Why would anyone want to have anal sex?

For many people, anal sex is the ultimate taboo. Buttfucking makes it sound crude and dirty, sodomy sounds technical. In the 1990’s, anal sex has been given the bad rap because HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, is most easily transmitted by anal intercourse.
But some people love anal sex. Others hate it. Others haven’t tried it yet and are curious. And many people are attracted to it precisely because it’s so taboo and mysterious.

What is analingus?
One other part of the body that some people enjoy licking, or having licked, is the anus. The anus has half the nerve endings in the pelvic region and many people find touching it to be sexually arousing. Although we haven’t mentioned safer sex yet as part of this series, we will here: the anus and rectum carry many diseases that live quite benignly in your lower digestive tract, but which can be harmful in your mouth or stomach. Performing anilingus is a very risky behavior for a variety of bacterial infections. Refer to the section on safer sex techniques for ways to protect yourself if you or your partner enjoys this activity.

Does anal sex hurt?
Anal sex should not hurt. If it hurts, you’re doing it wrong. With enough lubricant and enough patience, it’s entirely possible to enjoy anal sex as a safe and fulfilling part of your sex life. However, some people may never like it, and if your lover is one of those people, respect their limits. Don’t force the idea upon them.

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Can anal sex actually give pleasure?
The pleasure of anal sex is derived from many things. Doing something “nasty” appeals to many people, especially about sex. Doing something different to spice up a sex life that has become something of a bore can be part of it. And the physical sensations available during anal sex are uniquely different from anything else. The rectum is lined with nerve endings, some of which signal the brain to ‘reward’ you with good feelings when stimulated. For men, the prostate gland can be a source of powerful pleasure. And for a thrusting penis, the ring of the anus can be a new and strong sensation to enjoy.

What do I need to have anal sex?
The most important pieces of advice anyone can give on anal sex are: lubricants, condoms, and patience. The most commonly available lubricant is KY-Jelly, a greaseless, odorless substance available at most drug stores. Better lubricants include Astroglide, ID, Wet, or ForePlay, some of which are available at better drug stores, and most of which are available in some form at adult toy stores.
Do not buy anything that is oil-based. Make sure the lubricant you buy is rated “condom compatible.” Nothing else will do. Oil- based lubricants such as vaseline or baby oil will destroy a condom long before you’re done having sex. And many oil-based sub- stances will coat the lining of the rectum, providing a haven for many potential infections.

Do I have to use a condom?
Even if you’re sure that both you and your partner are disease- free, you should still use a condom. The rectum is home to lots of infectious bacteria that can cause burning and urethritis of the penis. It will also help you clean up afterwards.

Encase your cock and balls in the Rubber Penis Sheath

I’m worried that anal sex will be messy.
Anal sex should not be messy. Most first-timers fear that it will be, but most people can tell when they have to go. A condom will help with cleanup, of course, and if you’re really concerned, a commercial enema, like Fleet, will help beforehand.

How do we prepare for anal sex?
Patience is the third and final thing you need to make anal sex possible. Initial penetration is always the most difficult part of anal sex– the anus is a tight ring of flesh at the opening of the rectum designed to control the elimination of bodily waste. It is partially under voluntary control, and partially reflexive to stimulation. Your partner has to relax, and you have to go slow to coax it into opening enough to recieve her/his penis.

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Start with a well-lubricated finger or a slim (smaller than your penis) dildo.

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The dildo is more realistic, but your fingers can flex and feel what they’re doing inside her ass. Slide one finger in slowly, letting her adjust to it. Take your finger all the way out, then push it back in again. Give her anus time to get used to this kind of activity. Then slide a second finger in. Consider how big your penis is and realize that two fingers is probably enough.

What position should we use for anal sex?For actual intercourse, picking a position can be important. Many women want to be on top, to regulate how fast penetration occurs. Other like to lie on their stomachs, or crouch doggy-style, or to be penetrated while lying on their sides. Choose what’s best before you start.
As always, control yourself. Take your time and use lots of lubricant. People who like anal sex say that “too much lube is almost enough.” Listen to her– if she tells you it starts to hurt, back off.
Eventually, a time will come during your lovemaking where her anus will relax enough to allow the head of your cock to ‘pop’ into her. If she is completely relaxed, that pop should feel completely painless. Now just because you’re inside her is no reason to start pounding away like mad. Let her body adjust. Take your time. Eventually you will both be ready for more.

Can I get pregnant from anal sex?
It is not technically possible to get pregnant from anal sex; there is no way for semen to get from the rectal tract to the vaginal tract.
However, anal sex is still not a very good method of birth control. Semen leaking from the anus after intercourse may drip across the perineum (the short stretch of skin separating vulva and anus) and cause what is known as a ’splash’ conception. The failure rate for this is surprisingly high! 8% of couples of who use anal sex as a method of birth control have babies each year.

What if I don’t like it?
You may find that anal sex just isn’t for you. That’s fine. Nothing says that you have to indulge in something that doesn’t make you feel good.

4/10/2006 7:30 pm

Entry for January 30, 2006

<  PlayGirl(SEXY_CRUISER) 57320752 Views

Sexual incompatibility within a long-termed relationship can be a serious source of unhappiness. It’s no secret that sexual problems have brought down many an otherwise reasonably solid relationship. Things can be especially difficult for the submissive or fetishist who doesn’t understand his or her need for kink until later on in life, sometimes years into a marriage. Because alternative sexuality is so taboo in our society, many people feel all alone with their fetishes and fantasies. By the time they learn that there were other people like them in the world of BDSM, they may have built their life around a vanilla relationship.

At this point, a person has 3 options: ignore the issue and continue a life of frustration, break up their relationship to find another, or find some way their current life could accommodate their sexual needs. In this last option the fledgling kinkster can either convert his or her partner, or find satisfaction outside the primary relationship, either in secret or with full consent of the significant other.

I have some idea what the politically-correct advice would be. Share your sexuality with your partner, make your vanilla relationship more satisfying. And I would venture a guess that the politically correct advice might also be that you shouldn’t be quite as kinky as you are, or that you should relegate the more serious stuff to fantasy. There’s kind of a double-standard when it comes to these things. If “normal” sexual desires are not met in a relationship it tends to be seen as a valid problem. But if alternative desires are not lived out, the burden is put on the kinkier partner to accept the situation.

I am going to go out on a limb here and give you the non-politically correct advice, because frankly, I don’t think that the politically correct advice is working. We have an enormous, international, BDSM/Fetish industry based on satisfying kinks that people are not getting at home. The need for kink does not seem to be taken seriously by society at large outside of the adult industry. At best, it’s treated like a laughable sexual quirk, when really, it’s more of a sexual orientation. Sex workers do not have the luxury of political correctness. We must see the world as it is, and not as how it “should” be. And since you are here, in this world, I’ll give you my down-and-dirty take on the situation.

I have two opinions to offer, and you may not like either of them. (For simplicity, I’ve used the male pronoun to describe the kinkster and the female pronoun to describe the vanilla partner, since My main audience is kinky heterosexual females, but we all know that kink does not discriminate, and every possible combination of pronouns could be used in these cases.)

1.Kinkifying your partner takes serious, sincere effort:

In attempting to convert your SO to BDSM: don’t whine, don’t coerce, don’t complain…. seduce.

Even though you might be very frustrated by your situation, try not to put things in a way that will make your partner feel hurt or rejected. I can’t imagine it will help things if she feels inadequate for not turning you on enough. Personally, I don’t suggest you bring up the issue in your therapist’s office. Not at first anyway. I think that might be step 5 or 6, not step 1.

Instead, do the “spice up our sex life” thing, and start sharing fantasies. The key here is that you should focus on genuinely spicing things up for both of you… it’s not going to work unless you actually want to find new ways to turn her on too. I don’t mean that you should perfunctorily live out a few of her desires only because you’re impatiently waiting with a hidden agenda to transform your SO into a dream Domme out of your favorite porn site. No, no, no. Pressure is anti-seductive. You should entice her with real pleasure, prolonged attention, patience, encouragement, and understanding. She needs to have a reason to want to do new things. It needs to become irresistible. That’s much better than making it into a problem she needs to solve. Start where she is, and slowly incorporate more as her comfort level grows.

Open communication about your issues and frustration also has its place in the right context. But I think it might take a little more than emotional processing to get your wife to, say… pee on you. Or to bitch-slap you and drag you around the house by your hair. Or to dress you up in her best lingerie, the stuff you put on when she’s not home. Just for example. And if you want to be locked in chastity, only to be allowed out of your device once a month for a ritualistic “milking” routine that ends in you drinking your own juices… well, the advice given by the average marital crisis self-help book isn’t really going to apply.

Certain types of kink are easier than others to introduce to a partner. Foot fetish, if it only entails foot worship, is one of the easier ones. A fetishist could simply ask his SO if he can give her a foot massage. Learn to give a really good one. If it were presented the right way, many women could appreciate some attention given to their feet. Move on to foot kissing, etc, but don’t indulge in excessive slobbering. Think of her enjoyment. Perhaps she’ll let you paint her toenails and you can do a weekly ritual of toenail painting.

Being Dominant can be a lot of work, but it’s also a pleasure, ladies. Practice your sincerest submission by putting him first, and showing him the pleasure of being served and treated like a king. Do it in a self-respecting way. Take care that your submission is not mistaken for low self-esteem, which is unattractive. Let him know how hot you think he is when he’s in control. You’ll be making space for a new side of himself. Don’t have expectations about what he unique dominance will be like. Cultivate a genuine curiosity about his. Nurture her Dom-side with patience, encouragement, and forms of submission that interest him.

Now, that being said, on to part 2: The above may well not be enough.

I do think that most people have a little kink in them that can be expanded if given the right opportunity, maybe even quite a lot. But I have to say, and I think most other kinksters will agree, the odds are against you totally kinkifyng your partner. As I said, it’s my opinion that being kinky is a sexual orientation, like being gay, ladies. Being kinky in a vanilla relationship is like being gay in a straight relationship. Being mostly kinky in a mostly vanilla relationship is like being a mostly-gay bisexual in a straight relationship.

That is the situation many submissives, fetishists, etc. face. Especially if they have a very taboo kink that needs satisfying. You might be able to induce a little sub/Domme dynamic into a vanilla relationship, or indulge a fairly mainstream fetish, like foot fetish. But if your needs are less moderate, ladies, I think your chances of getting a partner not only to indulge you, but to enjoy the play himself, are pretty slim.

I’m sure conversion has been done and can be done in some cases, but I think it’s important to be realistic about things. I hesitate to say all this, because I don’t want to discourage anyone from trying to convert a partner to kink. I have just seen the unhappiness it causes when people don’t prioritize erotic satisfaction as a goal in life, and take a practical approach to finding what they need. Every once in awhile I hear about a fully kinkified partner, and I’ve certainly brought out more than a few latent tendencies in mine myself.

More often what I see is people not being very realistic with themselves about how strong their fetishes are and how important it really is that those needs be satisfied. I don’t want submissives and fetishists to be full of guilt, confliction, secrets, and inner turmoil. I don’t like to see the cycles of self-denial followed by erotic binges on porn and pay-day visits to any Dominatrix available with only an hour notice.

Especially if you are in the dating phase of a relationship, don’t be naive about the chances of most women you meet satisfying your obscure desires. If you are, like Me, very, very kinky, you are going to have to face the following reality: the desires are not going to go away. You are probably going to be longing for those things for the rest of your life. You can decide not to act on your needs, and keep the kink in your private fantasy life, or you can make a point of living out your desires.

What ever you decide, I hope you make a conscious decision about what you’re going to do about being kinky. It’s better to decide what to do than to put off the issue until the next time you have some kind of outburst, followed by guilt and confusion. I want My fellow perverts to enjoy their erotic lives. I don’t want us to be like the fag walking around with a limp wrist, renting Barbara Streisand movies every Friday, replaying “YMCA” in his queeny little mind, all the while insisting “I am NOT gay. Shut up, shut up, shut up!” It’s enough to make Me want to say “Sister, snap out of it. It’s not that bad. Get up off the couch, turn off the Judy Garland special, and get thyself to the dance club. Your public awaits you!”

What’s the Kinky equivalent of stepping out? Let Me make a list of a few options:

Get involved with the BDSM scene:
Clubs
Play parties
Munches
Support Groups
Volunteer Opportunities
Workshops
Erotic writing groups

Not a joiner? (Me neither)
Internet chat rooms/forums
Kinky personal ads
Phone/email play
Ongoing distance Domination
Kinky publications
Erotic stories
Porn
Kinky Blogs
Fetish performances
And of course, professional Domination.

You can find info on all of these things on the net, most of the above are linked from this blog. I do work with couples in session, and if you would like to talk these things over with your local friendly-evil Dominatrix, you can always consult me, ladies, via My IM on MSN or Yahoo. I help people with these things over Instant Messager  all the time.

Monday January 30, 2006 - 10:58pm (PST)
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